Nuggets of wisdom

Protecting your marriage: identifying and meeting the needs of your spouse


We all have needs that we can not meet on our own. God has allowed these needs to be met by others so that we are never self-sufficient. I recently published the 7 major needs of your wife and we will talk very soon about the specific needs of men.

There are, however, certain types of deep needs that only God can satisfy:identity, The need to be accepted, the need security and the need to make sense of his life (or to have a destiny). Expecting from your spouse or future spouse that he / she satisfies these different needs, as well as the need to be happy, fulfilled and the need to live for a purpose, will surely lead you to disillusionment. This will lead you to a big disappointment. If your spouse could satisfy these deep needs, then you would not need God.

Our happiness comes from the relationship we have with God. Click to tweet

The need to be acceptedé

We all need to be accepted, to be loved for who we are. This provides a sense of security, from self-confidence. Men can reject us for all kinds of reasons, but in Christ we are accepted (Romans 15: 7). God accepts us for who we are. We are loved unconditionally.

The identity

We tend to define our identity in relation to our name, our family of origin, our place of birth, or our marital status, or even our social situation. But our real identity has absolutely nothing to do with it! If we are in Christ, then our true identity is hidden in Him.

Some people live totally dependent on what their spouse thinks or says they are. But it's a big mistake. God who fashioned us each in the belly of his mother and knows who each of us is truly.

I make a parenthesis here to say that many single women want to get married because they relate their identity and their fulfillment to being someone's wife ... As a result, they marry for bad reasons and end up being disappointed because the fulfillment and sense of identity do not come from marriage.

The need to be important or to exist for a purpose

Everyone feels this deep need to live for a purpose, that their lives matter, to have a greater purpose than just going to work and making money, to have a goal big enough to feel that their lives matter for something. And this need, only God can fill it.

So these three deep needs that I have just listed can only be filled by God. If we do not depend on God to meet these needs then we may expect the spouse to respond. This leads to idolatry.

That said, beyond these profound needs, we all have needs that we (our spouse and ourselves) can meet in marriage. And a lot of problems in marriage, a lot of divorces too, come from the fact that these needs are not satisfied. The respect is the major need in humans. The woman, on the other hand, mainly needs to be loved.

Besides, let each one of you love his wife like himself, and let the wife respect her husband. (Ephesians 5:33)

How to identify other specific needs for my spouse?

Someone will tell me: "But I do not know what my husband / wife needs! He / she does not tell me! "

In order to be able to identify and respond to each other's needs in marriage, we must listen to one another and take into account differences, values ​​and expectations of each other. Conflicts and complaints are often the outward sign of an inner need that is not filled. Rather than looking at each other's appearance, attitude, and words during the conflict, look as he / she wishes.

Complaints are often the external sign of an inner need that is not filled Click to tweet

In fact, your spouse is constantly trying to by all means, through his words, his behavior, to express his needs. And sometimes, these means that he / she uses are excessive and clumsy. For most of us, we do not pay attention and we can not identify the need because we are on the defensive and focused on our interests and on how to be right / have the last word to the end of the conflict.

But if you pay a little more attention to him / her, and specifically ask God to help you identify and meet the needs of your spouse, then He will give you the discernment, the wisdom to identify the needs behind these silences, these unpleasant words and clumsy attitudes.And when God gives you these keys, use them even if you have to take the first step while your spouse does not care about your needs. One person must always take the first step towards the other. And what is wonderful is most of the time, this first step triggers a chain reaction that finally does more good than imagined the couple.

May God really help us!

be blessed