How to detect and avoid toxic relationships?
It may be that you are at one finger to be really happy.
Has it ever happened to you that despite everything going well in your life, you are not 100% good?
If you feel that you are missing something but you do not necessarily know what, I may have a track for you.
It may be that it is because of your social relationships.
Yes, you read correctly.
It may be that you have in your life toxic relationships.
Yes. And even worse: you may not even be aware of it.
You need to know one thing: toxic relationships are really harmful for you. This kind of relationship acts like a poison that will gradually destroy you.
And I do not weigh my words. I have seen many people whose lives have been destroyed in part because of their "friends" or their marital relationship.
We do not necessarily realize it. Time goes by and yet it does not necessarily get better.
Toxic people you eat your happiness at a slow fire. You will never be happy with them or it will be an ephemeral happiness that will come and leave immediately.
Because understand one thing.
Have healthy and good social relations is essential for his well-being. There is even an experience called the forbidden experience that shows that social relations are one of the keys to happiness. Well, if you're an avid reader of Sandrino's blog that deals very well with this subject, I'm not teaching you anything by telling you that.
Some will even tell me:
"Of course it's important to have good social relations Lirone! Who would want the presence of unhealthy people in his life? It's obvious… "
Yes indeed. You are right.
However, it's more subtle than that. I'll explain why.
Have you ever been told that there is still a gap (Ed. Space) between theory and practice?
You know the whole theory, you may not be able to apply it correctly. Especially the first times.
You can know a subject superbly, it may be obvious to you but you can have your head on the handlebars and not have enough perspective on it.
Here, it's the same with toxic relationships.
You are caught up in the frenetic pace of your life and you are sometimes surrounded by toxic people without you even realizing it. And that's terrible.
Like leeches that take your energy without you realizing it.
Moreover, if for example you are someone who lacks confidence and personal esteem, it is even harder to notice the presence of toxic relationships in your life because you create a reality that is false.
And this reality can be really distorted.
Look, for example, at women who are beaten by their husbands, who unconsciously appreciate that and fall back into the same pattern every time they fall back on men who beat her. Well, it's a complex subject and we're not going to get into the debate, but what I want you to understand (and I'll repeat it) is the following:
In your reality, you may think that relationships are good for you and healthy when in fact they are all different.
That's the subtlety.
Do not worry. It's sometimes less subtle than that and you may be aware of it. However, maybe you do not know how to get away from it. And that's where I come in! = D
That's why in this article you will:
- Learn to detect toxic relationships in your surroundings.
- Learn to to leave a toxic relationship that you may have
You have to know that the process is not going to be easy. It's never nice to realize that some people are toxic to us from the beginning and it's mostly difficult to break free from this kind of relationships.
However, I want to reassure you: it is always the most difficult beginning. Then, when you have the right tools at your disposal, it will be easier to filter the people who arrive in your life.
Finally, I will finish this introduction to tell you that you can have a toxic relationship with anyone: your boss, your girlfriend, your husband, your friend, your mother-in-law, etc. And each of this type of relationship will be perceived differently. The trick is that for each type of relationship, one could dig deeper and see specificities to each of this type of relationship. For example: is your girlfriend or boyfriend toxic to you? In this answer, there are elements specific to this situation.
However, this is not the purpose of this article.Here, I inform you about the subject and I give you general points that can help you for any kind of relationship in a general way.
And that's cool, right?
You are ready ? Perfect.
Why and how to recognize a toxic person?
Before recognizing a toxic person, I will again insist that a toxic person will not bring you any benefit.
Toxic peopleslow you down in the conquest of your goals. Even worse: They stop you one way or another. They discourage you to be ambitious and follow your dreams by sowing doubt.
These same people affect your overall energy level without even you talk about stress and anxiety they can get you. This without sometimes realizing it.
Understand one thing: to leave room for happiness, you must leave room for change.
These people occupy a place in your life. Many places. And you permanently prevent you from blossoming.
The idea is to leave room for healthier relationships that will pull you up and bring you benefits in your life.
Prefer to have two friends of quality that dozens of volatile friends.
Finally, know that you have all the will of the world, you can not change the person in the immediate future. You will still lose energy unnecessarily.
Idem, it is illusory to think that with time this person will change (or so by the time it changes, long months or even long years would have elapsed because the change is not immediate yet another time).
You are responsible for your happiness. You must therefore take charge of yourself and act on your own to get out of this relationship that will lead nowhere.
The questions you need to ask yourself
Here are some questions you need to ask yourself to see if you are dealing with a toxic person.
Know how to take these questions as a whole. Do not necessarily think that you are dealing with a toxic person if the answer to one of these questions is yes.
If, on the other hand, the answers are yes to many of these questions, you can really start to wonder if it's worth staying with that person.
- Are you constantly helping her in her life to solve her problems? always in the urgency and without necessarily returning ?
- Does she have an attitude of victim that is to say, she pities her fate and rejects all responsibility each time?
- Does this person hold you responsible for all his misfortunes ?
- Is this person constantly negative and only does complain and see things that are wrong?
- Do you have any the apprehension just the idea of seeing her or whenever you see her? You may not be comfortable with it?
- Do you feel each time empty of energy after spending time with her?
- Do you become more easily irritable, sad or depressed when you are with kind of person? Is he a person who always needs create a conflict or to make remarks?
- Do you feel that every time you try to'impress ?
- Is everything going in one direction? You have the impression that they ignore your needs and do not accept when you say no to one of their request?
- Does this person you depreciate and / or underestimate yourself ? Does she judge a lot of people around you?
- Does this person speak too much and you listen little ?
- Do you beats ?
- Do you have any odds of trusting him? Maybe you feel there is something fishy?
Through this series of questions, you become aware of what is happening in your relationships.
And who says awareness, says probable action. Why do I say probable? Because unfortunately, it is not because we are aware of a problem that we will act. However, being aware of a problem, we have this opportunity to act.
However, I want to focus on two important things by offering you these questions:
- They assume that you are someone with your head on your shoulders and who knows what he is doing in general. Indeed, as everything is a perception issue, if you have a low self-esteem and no trust in general, the answers to these questions may be distorted and you may have some answers that are positive, but which in do not reflect the reality.
For example: if you are always negative, your negativity bias will show you a reality that sticks most to this perception.
- Judge by time and not on a whim.Let me explain: this person may be facing a difficult time in his life. As a result, she may have some negative behaviors when in reality she is not a person like that. If you ask yourself these questions, look with a sufficient amount of time. It is important ! Because know that even with a healthy relationship, there can sometimes be difficulties, but as a friend / boyfriend / girlfriend it is your role to help him too. Everything is in the right measure.
In fact, to sum it up a little bit, I would say that everything is a question of balance.
You have to be able to finally perceive if the relationship is balanced. If you feel that the relationship is far from balanced, then there is an abscess to burst. There is something you have to look at.
For this first part, I encourage you to carry out the following exercise especially if you do not necessarily know how to do it and that this notion of toxic relations is not yet familiar to you:
Take a sheet of paper and write down line by line all the people you frequent the most. Then for each person, you will ask each of the questions listed above. Then, for each positive answer, you put a small bar.
At the end, you count the number of clean bars for each person.
Then let your mind rest.
One to two weeks later, you will do the same thing on a new sheet. You follow the same process.
Once done, compare your two sheets and see if there is a difference or not. As we are often influenced by our mood of the moment, sometimes it is difficult to be objective in his answers. Thus, by realizing it several times, we have more perspective on the thing.
For all people who have multiple bars, ask yourself these questions:
- Did I always know him like that?
- Does it really reflect his way of being and his personality? Has an event happened recently that may have caused her this kind of behavior?
- Does his entourage come to the same conclusions as you? By his associates, can these answers surprise you?
Again, it's important to ask yourself these last questions to make sure you're dealing with someone who is really toxic to you.
Its good ? You did this exercise?
If this is the case, you can continue (attention I have you in the eye;)).
This first part is not easy because you will you realize some things. You may be rethinking behaviors that seemed trivial to you, but that ultimately were toxic behaviors.
You may be going take a slapbut understand that sometimes it is necessary to move forward.
Know that it is bad for a good.
You may be having trouble leaving this person or talking to him or her, but tell yourself it's a good thing for you.
The question that comes naturally is:
How to get out and how to detoxify?
Here is a four-step process to free you from a toxic relationship.
Any change starts with a will. Now that you have identified a probable toxic relationship, ask yourself what do you gain from staying with that person again?
You must realize that to evolve, you must evolve your environment. It's a fantasy to think that things will change on their own.
I repeat it again and I say it a lot on my blog: it's a fantasy to think that things will change by itself.
Think again about the negative effects on your person and your life if you still leave the door open to that person. What are the goals you want to achieve? What do you want to improve at home? Will this person help you in this quest?
You must be confident that by becoming the person you want, you will meet new people who will be in the same dynamic as you!
For my part, I had sorted out a big deal in my social relations some time ago. I was worried about being alone.
In the end, I'll tell you one thing: they are bullshits (Ed. Bullshit).
Because if you are in a right mindsetyou will always have new encounters and meetings that are rewarding and beneficial for you.
On the other hand if you stay with relationships that do not suit you, you will not have the place and the state of mind to welcome new people in your life. People who could be driving for you.
Since the will is present, we must act. Otherwise it's useless. You agree ?
Everyone will have their own method here. Choose one that suits you.
Overall you have two methods:
- The version hard : overnight, you make a line on the person concerned.
- The version app : little by little, you distance yourself from the person concerned.
Whichever case you choose, do not forget the following:
You can apologize to the person for being distant but in no case are you obliged to explain why. If you want to undertake this process of explanation, it concerns you, but again, you are not obliged. It only looks like you in the end.
Because this person may not be in a listening state of mind and can take your step as a violent criticism towards her.
Be always open-minded and compassionate. Be open to the possibility that this person may change afterwards.
3. Guilty, you will not be
When the two previous steps have been completed, a very strong feeling sometimes comes to your mind: guilt.
Know one thing: you are your best friend. You have made this change for YOU and your well-being. If you do not take responsibility for your own life, no one else will.
Many people confuse detachment and abandonment.
This is not the case !
You are moving away from her life because you are taking another path and she is continuing her path. She is not left on the road know it.
Finally, understand one last thing: you are not obligated to keep every person you have met in your life. Regardless of the reasons, people evolve and it is normal that during the journey people in our social circle move away to make room for new people.
It's like that. It's life.
4. Open to change
Awesome ! You have achieved the most difficult. This step should be simpler and natural for you.
You are happy ? = D
Because if you've reached this stage, it's because the sense of personal evolution is already well anchored in you.
Now that you have left out this problematic relationship, you have freed a lot of space in your life.
This space, you are going to use it to let a new person into your life and / or to better progress in your life.
You will feel more in harmony and much more in tune with yourself, as well as having an increase in your self-confidence and self-esteem, because having realized all this, you realize one thing: your personal worth.
Yes your personal value.
You do not realize it, but you have a lot of value and a lot of potential.
It pecks your eyes when you read this?
Rub your eyes and read the sentence again. You will understand that I do not tell pipos;).
I believe in the potential of the human being. I think you have huge potential!
So, do not spoil it with people who do not want your property.
It's not easy especially when we've been with these people for a long time, but if you want to move forward and evolve, sometimes you have to make sacrifices.
And again, sacrifices, it's a little too violent because in the end it's bad for a good.
You know, I've seen a lot of people evolve incredibly after dropping some of their old relationships that had hit them.
Because it is just basic to have good social relationships ! This is one of the first consequences to the non-happiness of people.
Happiness is living in harmony and being in tune with people who are in the same spirit of mind that you, who encourages you and who pushes you up. And not the other way around, otherwise it's a tumble.
Besides talking about happiness, this is the main focus of my blog. If you want to go further and have concrete exercises based on positive psychology and the science of happiness to become happier, you can visit this page. You will be informed about the new content.
Now, I have two questions for you:
- In my personal story, do I want to be the victim or the hero?
- Do I want to lose my energy and my time for toxic people instead of focusing on much larger life projects?
I count on you and I trust you.
Thank you for your attention.